Percy Weasley's Wonton Stew
by Marauder Pawsly
Summary: Blood-sucking mimes? Human-molesting bears? James Potter as Headmaster? What the hell is going on here! And where did the author go?
1. It Begins

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue. I was high on Cheez-Its when I wrote this and I was trying to figure out what happens if I set fire to my chair. Needless to say, my mum wasn't too pleased, but parents never by the "It was the Cheez-Its! They made me do this!" excuse, so I got grounded and I'm writing this when I'm supposed to be doing my art project.

Author's Note: I don't think this will have much to do with Percy, but I DO know he will make at least one appearance in this story. This is a bunch of random ideas that'll never be made into a real story 'cause I'm too lazy to do it.

Dedicated to my friend Danielle Fust for giving me the idea with her little comment of "If I was a lesbian I'd date Chastity," (Chastity's our friend) and my response of "If I was a lesbian, I'd make Danny and Chas dress up in something skimpy and fight over me!" Needless to say, my mind's been in the gutter for a LOOOONG time. ^-^

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It was a beautiful day in Canada. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. The thieves and robbers had all raped a few old people. Yeah, it was a great day in Canada.

But that's another story.

In Hogwarts, however, someone was NOT having a good day. Why? Because.

"Because why, you freak?" Seamus Finnigan asked.

Because. 

He was being stalked.

Seamus rolled his eyes. "Oh? And by who?"

ME!

Seamus's face turned from one of sarcasm to one of extreme horror and he ran away, screaming like a little girl.

But that's another story.

Now, as I was saying, one person at Hogwarts was having a horrible day. Well, two people actually. Okay, okay! FIVE people were having a bad day! Geez, you guys are so persnickety!

"Do you even know what persnickety means?" asked Hermione, raising an eyebrow.

Nope, so shut up before I turn you into a snail and my cousin Mary who lives in France eats you.

Hermione ran off rather quickly.

Now, I will continue my story.

The End.

"That's not how you write a story!" screamed a boy with white-blonde hair.

"FREDDY!"

"Oh no," Freddy groaned as a girl with wavy black hair hugged him from behind.

"FREDDY FREDDY FREDDY I LOVE YOU, FREDDY!" she screamed.

"Yes, unfortunately," Freddy grumbled.

"FREDDY?! FREDDY HARLOW?!"

"Oh God, help me."

Another girl with straight red hair hugged Freddy from the front.

"MEILIN! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU!" the redhead screeched, hugging the brunette.

"RONNIE!" Meilin screeched back, pulling Freddy into the hug as well.

"Please, somebody help me," Freddy moaned.

No.

"Why not?!"

Because I'm busy.

The beautiful and oh-so-talented author then went off to find more Cheez-Its and to see what happens when you force-feed a battery to a toad and stick its foot in an electrical outlet.

"That's sick," Freddy muttered.

"Heeey," Meilin said slowly.

"The author's gone," Ronnie realized.

"You know what that means?" Meilin asked.

"You're going to make my life hell?" Freddy guessed dully.

Ronnie giggled. "No, silly. It means we can put ANYONE in charge."

"Oh joy."

"I think we should have.....NYMPHADORA TONKS AS THE AUTHOR!" Meilin proposed.

"NO!" Freddy said immediately.

"Why not?" Ronnie pouted.

"Because she drools and goes all googly-eyed at me whenever she sees me," Freddy retorted, disgusted.

"Of course she does," Meilin said logically. "What girl in her right mind WOULDN'T be craving for your bod?"

That made Freddy step away from her.

"We should have a threesome," Ronnie mused.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah!" Meilin agreed. "A threesome would be great!"

"WITH WHOM?!"

"You and me and Ronnie, of course," Meilin said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Whom....that's a funny word," Ronnie muttered, writing down _whom_ in her funny word book called (how original) _Funny Words That I Think Are Funny_.

"YOU'VE GOT BE OUT OF YOUR TREE!" Freddy shrieked.

"Aww, isn't he cute when he shrieks?" Meilin said dreamily.

"Of course we're out of our tree, we're in the Puking Hall," Ronnie said simply.

"Uh, this is the _Great_ Hall," Freddy corrected.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is it called the Great Hall?" Ronnie said. "There's nothing great about it."

"Well it's better than the Puking Hall!" Freddy countered.

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nu--"

"WHO THE HELL KEEPS PRESSING THE COPY AND PASTE BUTTON?!" Meilin said suddenly.

"Must be the author," said a random Hufflepuff pervert.

"There ISN'T any author," Ronnie spat. She didn't actually spit, that's just a figure of speech. It means that the person said it so angrily that it was practically spat. It's weird that they say the speaker spit because they didn't spit because spitting is rude because it is and this is too many becauses and this is starting to turn into a run on and my English teacher would not be happy with this so-called sentence and--

"There is so an author," said the pervert. "Otherwise all that babbling couldn't have happened."

Hey! I don't babble! I mean, okay, sometimes I tend to babble, but isn't babble just another word for "talk for hours and hours with no point at all," I mean, I never have a point, at least, I don't think I do, maybe my friends can tell me, I'll ask them tomorrow, oooh, tomorrow the Headmaster's gonna set me up with this hot girl I wanted and--

"Nuh uh! The author left!" Ronnie insisted.

"No it didn't 'cause if the author was gone we wouldn't be here!" countered the pervert, smirking. Which leads to another debate. Do characters really exist when their author isn't around?

"Of course we do," said the pervert's sister, Agnathiakabobbledee. "That's why we're still here."

"Agnathiakabobbledee?" Ronnie said. "What a weird name--"

"DON'T INSULT MY GOD DAMN NAME!" Agnathiakabobbledee screeched, turning on her heel and marching away. Well, she didn't really march, more like walked. But that would sound boring. And she didn't "turn on her heel" either, 'cause that's impossible. Would our heels be on backwards then? Would our heads be backwards? Who am I? What's my name? OH NO I'VE FORGOTTEN MY NAME! AAAAAA--"

"I'm going to see the Headmaster," Freddy grumbled, walking away.

Meilin and Ronnie, not being able to be separated from their precious Freddy for one moment, latched onto his arms and were dragged to the Headmaster's office, which was a broom closet on the third floor, cooing sweet nothings in his ear the whole time.

The door had the word HEADMASTER scratched roughly into it. It looked horrible, like some kid had decided "Well, I think I'll be the Headmaster and my office will be right here" one day.

Freddy tried to raise his arm to knock, but due to the fact that he had two girls all but glued to him, he couldn't, and kicked the door instead.

Instantly, the moaning from inside stopped and there came a sound like clothes being hurridly put on.

Freddy's eyes widened in horror as the thought of an old man, and a naked one at that, crossed his practically pure mind--

"HEY! I'M NOT OLD!" yelled a voice.

"Dumbledore?" Freddy said. But that's wasn't Dumbledore's voice.

A moment later, a messy black head showed itself and James Potter slowly opened the door just enough for him to slide out, then he slammed it shut. You know, that was another run on, I really should be more careful with these things, my English teacher would be very unhappy with me, of course, she's psycho and gives a bad name to us psychos so--

"J-J-James Potter?!" Freddy gasped. "But you're dead! Where's Dumbledore?!"

"Dumbledore?" James said mischievously. "Never heard of 'im. And, as you can see, I'm as alive as you are."

Freddy wondered what kind of sick person had possessed God and sent him to hell.

"Hello, Headmaster," Ronnie and Meilin said politely.

"Why girls, what are you wearing?" James asked, staring at the girls' uniforms. Meilin was wearing the bloodred robes of Durmstrang, complete with the letter _D_ on her left breast. Ronnie was wearing the blue silk robes of Beauxbatons, with the golden wands and the letter _B_.

"Robes," they said together.

"Oh, okay, go about your business then," James said.

Freddy was as confused as hell.

"Who the hell ARE you people?!" he screeched. "Where's Dumbledore?! Why is James Potter alive?! Why is he our Headmaster?! WHY ARE THESE TWO GIRLS OBSESSED WITH ME?!"

James's eyes bugged slightly as he saw the size of the girls' boobs.

"Mr. Harlow," he said to Freddy, turning red, "why are you so upset? These girls must really love you--"

"LOVE ME?!" Freddy exploded (which is just another figure of speech). "THEY TIED TO ME A MANTICORE, COVERED ME IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE AND WHIPPED CREAM, AND THEN LICKED IT OFF ME!"

"Lucky bastard," James muttered.

"Hey, I HAVE a father," Freddy grumbled.

"Lucky," James corrected himself.

"LUCKY?! THEY STUFFED ME INTO AN IRON CAGE AND HUNG IT OVER A PIT OF BOILING LAVA!"

"Girls, is this true?" James asked. Meilin and Ronnie nodded sadly.

Freddy sighed. Finally, something would be going okay and things would go back to normal.

Stupid hot git.

"What'd you call me?" Freddy asked the ceiling.

"Freddy Harlow," James interrupted. "I have seen your defenses and my punishment is this."

Freddy's hopes soared.

"You, Ronnie Fust, and Meilin Winters shall be tied together until I'm done er...._interogating_ Ms. Evans," James said proudly. "Good day to you all." And he rushed back into his closet.

"WHAT?!" Freddy screamed. His stream of curses was cut short by Meilin and Ronnie hugging him.

"YAY!" the girls cheered. "WE GET TO HAVE OUR THREESOME!"

And they proceeded to literally drag the poor boy to a large room, which, unfortunately, was occupied by the most horrible thing known to mankind.

Snape in a thong.

A pink thong.

A pink thong that was just about see-through.

Oooh, it's giving me the creeps.

"MY EYES!" Freddy, Meilin, and Ronnie screamed. "WE'VE GONE BLIND! NOOOOO!"

Good thing I'm wearing Cut Snape Out Sunglasses.

"I'm scarred for life," Freddy muttered as the girls then dragged him to the Gryffindor girls' dorm, even though Ronnie and Meilin were Ravenclaws.

"TADA!" they shouted, throwing off their not-Hogwarts robes to reveal the skimpiest underwear Freddy had ever seen.

"God help me."

Suddenly, a note fluttered in through the window. It was neon pink and glowed in the dark. How do I know that it glows in the dark when it's only 10 a.m.? Because I know everything. I'm the supreme ruler of the universe.

The note was written very neatly and said, Freddy, Sorry, we took God to a day spa. But since a day in heaven is 3,547,457,645,646,748,653,453,435,345,353,463,334,453,463,846 years on Earth, you won't be hearing from him for a while. Love, the Sugar Gods.

"Who the hell are the Sugar Gods?" Freddy grumbled, throwing the neon pink paper into the fire, where it emmited a lot of purple smoke and green stars.

"Wafty, wafty, wafty," said the smoke.

"And since when can smoke talk?" he wondered, stunned.

Ronnie and Meilin gasped.

"DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT THE ALMIGHTY SUGARNESS THAT IS THE SUPREME MASTERS OF THIS UNIVERSE KNOWN AS THE SUGAR GODS!" they yelled, somehow in priestess robes. Meilin's were blue and white and Ronnie's were red and white. Each had a staff.

"Uh...."

"We are the Guardians of the Temple of Sugar!" the girls said proudly. "Every month we sacrifice an evil, hottie-killing wench to the Almighty Sugar Gods, and they reward us with Sugar and the occassional box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its."

"I'm surrounded by psychopaths," Freddy murmured.

"DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE ALMIGHTY SUGAR GODS!" they bellowed, whacking him with their staffs.

Suddenly, an ominous thunder cloud descended. A door appeared in the cloud, and ten men who looked exactly alike stepped out. Each one wore purple and black robes. Each had black hair. Each had one of those ridiculous staffs like Ronnie and Meilin--hey. Where were the girls?

"We're not worthy!" the girls cried, on their hands and knees, bowing (and bumping their heads on the floor) before the men.

The leader, at least, he seemed to be the leader, but since they all looked the same, it was hard to tell, anyhoo, the leader smiled kindly at the girls.

"You may raise, Honored Keepers of Sugar," he said. "Just slip into something skimpy and we'll forgive your _unworthyness_."

"Um, Master Miroku?" Meilin said. "We have devoted our hearts to someone else."

"Our souls still belong to you, Our Master Miroku," Ronnie said quickly.

"But we are in love with the white-blonde-haired Freddy Harlow," the girls said, apologectically bumping their heads on the carpeted floor.

"Tis alright, my children," said Miroku kindly. "As long as you tend to your Sugar duties and continue with the Holy Sacrifices, we shall be on the best of terms. Come, my brothers, we must proceed to carry out our plans to take over heaven! I mean, we must proceed to the Temple of Sugar to conduct our private sacrifices!"

With that, the ten identical men stepped back into the thunder cloud, the door disappeared, and so did they.

"What the hell was that?" Freddy asked.

Meilin and Ronnie exchanged glances and said, "What was what?"

Freddy raised an eyebrow as the girls were suddenly back in their robes. "That whole Sugar God thing."

"What Sugar God thing?"

"Ugh, nevermind."

Freddy then darted off for the Puking Hall, but the girls latched onto his legs, giggling to each other about the Harlow family jewels.

Inside the Hall was....weird.

But this fic is messed up so who the hell cares?

Saddaam Hussien was shouting very dirty things at George Bush. 

But this was England, the UK, so why was the American president and an Arabian terrorist there? Better yet, idiot Bush wasn't going to try to take over the UK, was he?

"OF COURSE, U STUPID FREAK!" Bush yelled.

"HEY, FOCUS YOUR ~BEEP~ ATTENTION ON ME, YOU MOTHER-~BEEP~!" Hussien screeched, all his curse words drowned out by a very loud and annoying beeping noise that probably came from Sirius's head, where it was currently raining a gooey substance that does not exist.

"IF I WANT TO MARRY A GOD DAMN TREE THEN I WILL, GOD DAMMIT!" Bush yelped.

"BUT YOU'RE ALREADY ~BEEP~ MARRIED!" Hussien shrieked. "YOU'RE ~BEEP~ CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE, YOU ~BEEP~ FREAK!"

And then, since these two idiots are not especially on my most favorite people list, they disappeared, never to be heard from again (don't we all wish).

"That was strange," Meilin said quietly.

Freddy snorted and said, "You're one to talk."

Suddenly, Kendar skipped by, saying, "WHO AM I?! I DON'T REMEMBER MY OWN NAME! WHO ARE YOU?! WHO AM I?!"

"Hi, Kendar!" Ronnie said, waving politely.

Kendar continued to skip, which was weird for a boy 'cause it meant that they're gay, but Kendar isn't gay, he's just....well, Kendar.

"I'm bored," said Meilin suddenly, waving happily to the Gryffindor sex gods, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, and the Slytherin sex god, Draco Malfoy. One might ask how they can all be teenagers at the same time, but this fic's messed up from randomness and having Notice Me stuck in my head all day.

Freddy simply shook his head and said, "I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if anything weirder happened to us."

Snape walked by in his thong.

"Horrified maybe, but not surprised," he said calmly.

Suddenly, a circus tent dropped out of the sky, bringing with it the clowns of the world.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ayla and Raven and Snuffles, running away from the clowns.

I really don't understand how people can be afraid of clowns. They make you laugh. Like Playdoh, or a waffle in a football skirt. Just last week at the fair, I told my dad "I hope there's gonna be a clown there" and he said "Yeah, and I hope he falls and breaks his neck." There's really no reason to be afraid of clowns. They won't eat you. Bears are a different matter. Bears rape people.

But suddenly, the clowns' appearance seemed like nothing as millions of mimes rained down from the sky. The mimes grabbed Ayla and started sucking her blood.

"Vampire mimes," Freddy said, looking around. "How very disturbing."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Meilin screeched, jumping in Freddy's pants in fear.

"GET OUT OF THERE!" Freddy screamed, pulling Meilin out, only to have her jump back in.

"IT'S THE BEARS!"

"What ABOUT the damn bears?" Freddy griped, noticing what looked like a bunch of Superbuddy bears grinning evilly.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO MOLEST ME!"

That was probably the only thing that has surprised Freddy so far. Yeah, go me!

"Might beanz jumpin' on da scene, mighty beanz! They're really somethin' when they're jumpin', MIGHTY BEANZ!" Ronnie sang, dancing hip hop.

"WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY DAMN PANTS?!" Freddy yelped.

Meilin cautiously poked her head over the rim of Freddy's pants. She had a penguin mask glued to her face and seemed to wrapped in layer upon layer of underwear elastic, pantyhose, and paper mache.

Freddy impatiently threw her out of his pants, and she ran into a well-placed underwear drawer.

"GET OUT GET OUT!" Ayla screamed at her, hitting the blood-sucking mimes who were currently latched on her neck.

CRACK.

CRASH.

Meilin lay in a heap on the floor among underwear, a bean, bras, pantyhose, and 10 million pounds. A person wearing a sock costume ran up, stole the bean and the money, and ran away, cackling like a banana.

"How do bananas cackle?" Lucius Malfoy asked curiously.

Like this. WICKA WICKA WOO!

"Oh." He then went back to snogging Narcissa Black right in front of Draco, who didn't seem the least bit phazed by his teenage dad groping his teenage mum when he himself was a teenager.

A mime grabbed Ayla again and started sucking her blood, unnerved by the blows she gave him.

Meanwhile, Meilin and Ronnie were playing Whack The Rat. It's a really fun game. All you need is a long, spiked, stainless steel bar, some iron chains with the little gaps that always rip your skin, and Peter Pettigrew. He was currently hanging on the chandelier that didn't exist on the ceiling.

A random squirrel threw hammers into the pool I wish I had. But that's another story.

"COOL!" Meilin yelped.

"COOL!" Ronnie echoed.

"Where the hell are we?" Freddy rolled his eyes.

"In Sirius Black's brain," Meilin said simply. "Geez, it's really messy in here."

"Ooooh! Look! Look! GOD DAMMIT, LOOK!" Ronnie screeched, pointing to a door. "IT'S A DOOR!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Freddy said sarcastically.

"You're welcome," Ronnie said politely.

Freddy blinked.

The girls dragged Freddy over to the door and kicked it down. Inside sat a redheaded boy. He was bound to a chair and gagged.

"Who are you?" Meilin asked.

"Mmmph mpph mmmh!" the boy said.

Freddy rolled his eyes and took the gag out.

"Thank you," the boy said, shaking his head to move his horn-rimmed glasses up his nose. Hehe, sound familiar?

"Who are you?" Meilin repeated.

"Percy Weasley."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Sirius's conscience."

"..............................................LOOK! HAIRSPRAY!"

And Meilin darted outside, cackling like a maniac.

"You're not doing a very good job," Ronnie said, putting her hands on her slim hips. "Sirius is actually WORKING." She shuddered.

"Well, well, it's a cold day in hell alright," Percy muttered. "Don't blame me! As long as my mum's gone, he'll never buckle down and act normal!"

"Where's your mum?" Freddy asked eagerly, hoping that maybe if they found Mrs. Weasley, at least one person in Hogwarts would be sane.

Sanity EVIL.

Percy shrugged as best he could within his bonds. "I dunno. She disappeared about fifteen years ago. Haven't seen her since."

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And then they were all outside by the greenhouses, watching Snape in his pink thong get strangled by a random plant from Greenhouse Seven that broke through the glass.

"When did we get outside?" Freddy asked.

"Since we stepped through a plot hole, duh," Meilin replied.

"YOUR ELF IS STICKING OUT!" Ronnie cackled.

Freddy blinked.

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I have NO idea where that came from. It reads like crazed kittens on ice, don't it? Oh, um, I don't own Saddaam Hussien or that git *cough*Bush*cough* and I don't own any ideas or lines that I took from other stories. Really, I'm only borrowing them, I swear! Ronnie Fust, Meilin Winters, and Freddy Harlow belong to me. This had nothing to do with Percy, I know, but I like the name! I don't know if I'll ever add on to this, but if I ever get hyper enough (or stoned....) I'll update.

Freddy: You mean I'm STUCK with these two freaks for the rest of my life?! You're just going to make me wait out the rest of my life in fear, waiting for them to attach themselves to my leg?!

Author: Of course not, dear Freddy.

Freddy: *looks relieved* Phew.

Author: *throws Freddy in a cage* There ya go!

Freddy: *finds a metal file and lazily files away at the bars*

Meilin and Ronnie: FREDDY!

Freddy: *files away at the bars frantically*

Author: Review, and you'll find out where I went for this chapter! Hmm, it could have something to do with the Gryffindor sex gods....or those hot Weasleys..... Review and find out!

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	2. Pandemonium and Meilin's Siblings

Disclaimer: I. DON'T. OWN. THEM! Are you TRYING to make me feel bad?! I only own Freddy and Meilin! Ronnie's the property of Danielle! Leave me alone!

Author's Note: This still has nothing to do with Percy. DEAL WITH IT! MWAHAHAHAHA!

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Yes, it was a GLORIOUS day in England. Actually, I should say Scotland, but this is MY fic and _I_ say that Hogwarts is in ENGLAND. Where? you may ask. Well, I'll tell you the truth.

I DON'T KNOW! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem, anyway, it was a beautiful day in England. The Ministry of Magic was blown up, the Death Eaters wreaked havoc (led by Voldemort, who is currently a pink fuzzy bunny), and Draco Malfoy was auctioned off on the Internet as a sex toy.

But that's another story.

Now, you may ask, where was I for the last chapter?

I was in Abu Dhabi.

Why?

I don't rightly know.

Anyway, I was Abu Dhabi last chapter, trying to find a toad. I found one eventually, shoved a battery down its throat, and stuffed it into an electrical socket. Let's just say that the radiation will clear off soon.

After the government banned me for life from the city, I went to my homeland, the glorious peninsula of glorious Italy.

But I forgot that I was banned from there too, so they kicked me out.

"It's not MY fault Mount Vesuvius blew up!" I told them, but those evil Italians wouldn't listen. Really, it wasn't my fault! All I did was try to roast a marshmallow the size of the Statue of Liberty over it and for some reason it erupted.....

ANYway, after that I got bored and drove to Canada, though there was the slight problem of me not knowing how to drive and being banned from getting a license due to the old lady incident..... But I stole a car from this terrorist and drove to Canada straight from Saudi Arabia, though I was in Italy when I took the car....

I have a weird obsession with Canada. I also have an obsession with the phrase "peanut butter coated bunny sex," but that's another story.

"She also has an obsession with that Danielle Fust girl," Joey Tribbiani muttered.

I'M NOT GAY! SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER!

"Suuuurrrre."

ANYWAY, I picked up Joey Tribbiani in Mexico on my way there. We talked for a while, got marooned on a desert island, and were forced to eat our car, but we made it to Canada. There, I met some trouble.

"BWAHAHAHA!" cackled Voldemort. "I AM THE GREATEST SORCEROR.....IN ALL THE LAND!"

"Master?" said Crabbe stupidly. "Was that pause really necessary?"

"OF COURSE IT WAS!" Voldemort screeched. "NOW SHUT UP, I'M WATCHING DOT THE PERVERTED COWGIRL BUNNY OVERLORD GROW!"

Crabbe exchanged a bothered and greatly disturbed look with Lucius Malfoy, who was supposed to be in Azkaban (and supposed to be forty years old), but right now he was three and a half years old and therefore too young to be in Azkaban.

Anyway, Joey ran off after screaming like a girl and therefore alerting the clearly demented Voldemort of our existence. Now, Voldemort wouldn't have minded under normal circumstance, except for one small problem.....

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO SHOW YOUR FACE IN PUBLIC!" the deranged Dark Lord cried. "YOU SLEPT WITH ME AND THEN NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN! I HATE YOU!"

So then I screamed, "BUNNY SEX!" Voldie was turned into a seething pink fuzzy bunny and I skipped merrily along to find some hottie.

Yeah, so after that I swam the English Channel to New York. I ordered a New York style pizza to be delivered to 35343452463423453652453 Side Street, Virginia, Jordan, Antarctica 0040. Then I went to return some library books in Ohio.

"Hey, the last page is missing," the librarian said.

"BWAHAHAHA!" I cackled.

After that, I took Bill Weasley with me back to London and then we went to Scotland, where I remembered that I moved Hogwarts to England. So we ran back to England, ran into Hogwarts, dodged a rabid pit bull, and Bill was smited for his comment of "BIRDS!"

So here I am, ready to continue another story.

"OH NO!" Meilin said.

WHAT WHAT WHAT?!

"We never found out who took over the story!" Meilin gasped.

That? Oh, that was Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.

"WHAT?!" Freddy couldn't believe his nose. Though, actually, noses can't hear....

Yeah, it was Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. They went insane. Poor things. I sent 'em to Azkaban.

"WHY?!" Freddy screamed as Meilin and Ronnie whispered, "That was a very nice thing the author did."

Because Azkaban is for nutcases like them.

"NO IT ISN'T!" Freddy protested. "IT'S FOR BAD FREAKS LIKE HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE- NAMED AND LUCIUS MALFOY!"

Oh no, that's St. Mungo's. *cough*VOLDEMORT*cough*

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Freddy screeched.

Voldemort!

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

Voldemort.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"  
Okay, I'm bored now.

"Guys, I got bad news," Meilin said seriously.

"You called?" Sirius said randomly.

Go back to the home, dog boy.

"Okie dokie." And Sirius went back to the home.

"What?" Ronnie asked, genuinely concerned. That's the great thing about Ronnie, and really all Fusts in general. They're so nice and concerned for their friends and always like to help them when they're down and--

"You're obsessed," Freddy said.

No I'm not. I'm stating a fact.

"You're obsessed," Freddy repeated.

NO, I'm NOT.

"I'm beginnin' to think you're gay too," Freddy continued.

I'M NOT GAY, I'M SPECIAL!

"Well you obsess over that Danielle girl enough to give people the illusion you're gay," Freddy said truthfully.

Hey, half the school already thinks we're lesbians, I don't need my torture victims thinkin' that too!

Freddy shrugged. "Just statin' the truth," he said.

Grrrr, I'm NOT gay.

"Just keep tellin' yourself that, author," Freddy said smugly, writing down everything I say for blackmail. DAMN YOU, FREDDY HARLOW!

"Guys, my sister's coming today," Meilin said.

"WHAT?!" Freddy yelped, dropping his notebook, which I conviently snatched.

"Hey! Give that back!" Freddy demanded as he saw the brilliant author stuff it into her bra.

Come get it.

After staring at my chest for a full minute, Freddy's face was bright red and he turned away, sputtering.

"My sister's coming today," Meilin repeated. "My sister Jennat. And my brother Jet."

"Oh God, don't tell me," Freddy said. "Your brother's gay!"

Meilin gave him a strange look.

"No, he's chasing this girl named Fae. Pathetic, really, considering she hates him," she said.

"Gee, sounds familiar, don't it?" Freddy said, staring pointedly at the girls.

"No," they chorused.

Freddy then proceeded to bash his head on the wall.

"ON, MY PRETTIES, ONWARD TO HOGWARTS!" came a female voice. "TRACK MY SISTER AND MAKE HER PAY!"

"That her?" Ronnie asked.

"That's her," Meilin sighed.

"Make her pay?!" Freddy yelped.

"That's her saying," Meilin said, rolling her eyes. "You should hear my brother's."

"YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME!"

"Your brother?"

"My brother," Meilin said, sighing again.

"NO I DON'T!" came another girl's voice, followed by a loud smack.

Suddenly, millions of Hugsy penguin dolls rained down from the ceiling, and three figures ran into view. One was a black-haired girl on a chariot. One was a black-haired boy pulling the chariot with a bit in his mouth. The last was a blonde girl with a bit in her mouth too. The boy had a large handmark on his cheek.

It was just then that from those Hugsy penguins, the blood-sucking mimes rose again. Ayla, Snuffles, and Raven screamed once more as the mimes attached themselves to them.

"Oh good, at least it's not--"

"COME TO ME, MY BEAR FIENDS!" Jennat cackled.

"NOOOOOOO, NOT BEARS, BEARS TRY TO MOLEST ME!" Meilin screamed, jumping into Freddy's pants.

"GET OUT!"

"You know, Fae, I'll protect you," Jet purred.

"Get a life," Fae growled, smacking him in the face with a quiver of arrows. She drew an arrow, nocked it into her bow, and shot a mime down. However, the mimes were vampires, and therefore immortal, so it didn't have quite the effect she had hoped for. In actuality, she shrieked in surprise when the mimes rose once more, the arrow in its heart, and flew away, holding up a sign that said "Ha Ha, You Can't Kill Me, Ha Ha."

"What ARE they?!" she yelped, trying to shoot the mimes.

Blood-sucking mimes.

"I can SEE that!"

Temper, temper.

"Shut up!"

And since I don't like Fae very much, a very fat ugly mime jumped on her and drained her of her blood and turned her into a blood-sucking mime as well.

Jet watched in horror as his beloved's hair turned black, and she was suddenly in black and white clothes. Her skin turned powdery white and fangs grew, visible on her black lips. Her beautiful pink nails turned black and clawed.

All in all, she looked like a freak.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jet sobbed. "FAE! MY BELOVED FAE! YOU'RE A BLOOD-SUCKING MIME! YOU'RE THE ENEMY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And Fae, who still couldn't stand Jet, went off to suck the blood of three and a half year old Lucius Malfoy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jet cried, sobbing uncontrollably. Jennat and Meilin looked at their brother in disgust.

"Grow up, Jet," Jennat muttered.

"That is SO pathetic," Meilin added.

And while the blood-sucking mimes attacked Jenn and Ginny, Freddy had a new problem. It was....

__________________________________________________________________________

HA! Cliff-hanger! HA! But hey, you get to vote on Freddy's predicament. Is his problem:

A) he's scared of the Hugsy dolls

B) Jet's grief has turned him gay and he now wants Freddy

C) He's got Jennat to worry about

or D) he has to go to the bathroom

Vote in your reviews! I COMMAND YOU!

Author's Note: Yeah, I know, you all think I died or something. I'm sorry. I forgot. *sheepish grin* I'll try to be quicker in my updates next time, if anybody even reads this.


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